Wednesday, October 14, 2015

Its over a year! Lets catch up!

June 2, 2014 was when I wrote my last post into my blog. I don't why I slipped this long, well I do. You see, I have been pressured lately financially. Business has been hard, small projects keep me afloat and a mountain of bills stacked up and I am trying to prioritize each every month. Sometimes I don't have enough to cover and I pray that those will not haunt me soon as I get off my feet to do some jobs of honest earned money.

Lately, my mind races with monthly obligations. some of which I had no choice but to hold off for months. Reason for this is simple. I had no income. I went out of my way for several years to look for stable income, but 15 failed attempts in jobs. I was at my low. I felt hopeless. I felt ravished by the interviews as they ask the same question. "Why should you be given the opportunity of this job versus other applicants?" I've answered this as best as I can only to find out out they had someone in mind and did the interviews only to satisfy the need. I guess you can I was used, but lets see how it truly made me feel.

After each interview, I felt good. I felt that I topped other candidates knowing what I was capable of providing and doing for the company or agency that would hire me. Little did I know after each failed attempt of landing a job, i started to lose confidence in myself. I fell in a deep depression believing I did not have what it takes to be on the competitive edge in the workforce. I felt small and wilted like a vegetable on the display refrigerator losing its greens to brown and slime where no one wants it anymore. I felt hopeless and so conscious of whether I am no longer the go-getter, ambitious guy who would not believe anything is impossible. I lost myself after so many interviews. I believe it was around the 8th interview where I thought I bagged it, but to find out a lesser experienced individual has been awarded the position because of a family name. It is common in the islands, nepotism reigns over non-popular political names. I was disheartened. I felt finished, a loser, a snail in the race.

My wife looked at me in my most vulnerable state. She encouraged me and said, "you need no one to help you. You will eventually land something. Don't give up!"

I needed that support and kept looking forward to a new day. Application after application, it was not easy. Interview after interview eating me up inside. I told myself to put my heart in faith and let our Lord guide me. My 16th interview, almost 2 years later, the lord answered my prayers. I would believe he sought out where I would be best to offer more in what I am capable of doing.  As of today, October 13, 2015 I was offered the position with the CNMI Head Start as their new Environment, Health and Safety Facility Manager. I am stoked and eager to start moving mountains again! Thank you dear Lord! I love you!

So for over a year since my last blog post, I felt lost, felt diminished, felt unworthy of being a man in my own home, felt undesirable, felt all the worst possible feelings that ate me up inside.

What I did was hide my feelings the best I can. Held it in. built up self pity and fell into my own world of depression once in a while. I would catch myself driving around and tears would roll down my cheeks. That feeling of failure raced through every nerve in my body, engulfing me with despair.

I eased much of detrimental feelings by going fishing more. It eases my mind and did it work? Yes, its my temporary fix for my mixed emotions. Today I feel alive once more and it feels great!


I am a fisherman!

It started out with I want a boat, I got one, I want equipment (Reels, Lines, Hooks, Lures, GPS, Depth Finder, Transducer, Rods, Coolers, Gas tanks, Radio, Speakers) I got them, and before you know it, $15K on the boat! And then more!!!!

Of course its expensive, but its also an investment. I have learned so much on my own and with the help of great fisherman who are willing to share. Yes, I have been fooled many times too, but thats part of the learning process. I would humbly like to thank the following: Gonzalo (Jun) Pangelinan, his brother Christopher Pangelinan, Joe Muna (Lin), Diego Benavente, Judge Alex Castro, Judge Perry Inos, Will Hunter, Will Schroeder, Alex Castro Jr., Sid Cabrera, Jess Muna (Dolores), Lino S. Tenorio, Jack "Wacko" Cepeda, Anthony S. Tomokane, and countless others! Each in their own has taught me a few things and while perfecting it to where I feel comfortable, I start bringing action on my own as a captain of the Boni fishing our Marianas pond.

This activity provides and crushes you at times, but like any other profession, you need to try. Time and time again, I started to build confidence in the wahoo fishing technique and I can honestly say when I go out for wahoo, I will get some on the deck! That is my strength today, I go after it and ensure that I do catch these beauties.  Although there are the days when I want to go out and test a theory, it sometimes gets the best of me.

Photo by Hyun Jae Lee
For example, does the moon have an effect on pelagic fish? Oh man yes they do! I tested the theory 3 times over a time span of three months.I waited to capture the full moon at its peak and went out on three different times to fish for pelagic. Early morning, Mid day to afternoon, and evening. For now, I say don't waste your time and money, because they are not going t bite unless they are the strays and hungry. I was told by fisher-buddies this theory, but I just had to test it for myself, there you have it, my experiences are shared for everyone to see.

I believe I have become quite good at fishing for Wahoos. some people are saying I am one of the most consistent wahoo fisherman on Saipan. How true is that? well I am not bragging.  I do it for several reasons. 1st is my family having fresh fish for meals. Friends who desire the fish and of course I sell a few here to cover cost and add a few bucks to my name.

So sure, being unemployed had me worked up. I am up at dawn and resting when everyone else is asleep. I dubbed my title as the domesticated engineer! Hahahaha!

Paying the bills!

 Each monthly obligation has me on my toes. I always ask myself if I could meet them. I am embarrassed towards my wife as I know she too has a lot on her plate and me as the man of the house, I don't want to fail her and my children.

I am creative and will find ways to make honest money to pay my bills and support my family. I focus a lot on my publication, yes I am a publisher too for Tops + More, your local magazine.

This is a quarterly publication focusing on positive insights of the Commonwealth. An opinion-based magazine offering feature stories that provide entertaining articles. Supported by advertisements, Tops + More is going on its 5th year.   Personally I enjoy doing this! I write, take photos, work with an artist on the layout, do the sales pitch for advertising... The whole nine yards is on me! I guess this is why I feel it rewarding as I am all around and catering to the very needs of the publication, while ensuring that quality is visioned and achieved.

I don't dare over expose myself to advertisers. I pick a few and work with them, develop a strategy and create it. It is something I enjoy just like fishing so is it realy work?

Captains Log has been a great hit in the community. Its funny, tells true stories of my experiences with other fellow fishing buddies as well strategies learned or told by other fishermen in their plight to being successful in the pond.  There is no dull feature on Tops as I try to entertain readers of what is great in our Commonwealth!

My latest issue is the on the right with Captain Lino Tenorio. He shares his views on deep drop fishing and successfully mastered the art. Dubbed the "Onaga King", he is definitely skilled in this arena. I know of no other person with a drive and his skill to bringing in these bright red tasty deep bottom fish.

My only success with deep drop was one night about a mile off from Managaha with a depth of approximately 1200 feet. I felt successful knowing I caught what we call wonder woman a.k.a. Monchong. A fish that is fatty and a definite plus to any culinary liking whether grilled, for sashimi, oven baked, fried, this fish does it all and because it just taste so good, you will not think of wasting anything on it!

With Tops + More, I am able to make just enough to carry me through each quarter. My monthly bills are prioritized as much as possible to lessen stress on my part. And when stress kicks in, I go fish again and again and again! Read on and fish on Marianas!

Next post will be about family, my new job and well what ever peaks my interest. I love our home in the Marianas and will defend whats great about it. For now, I leave to get rested and ready for yet another day in our beloved CNMI.











Monday, June 2, 2014

One Project At A Time!





I make a living with what I can do. It does not make much, but it is fueled with passion. little things that keep me busy, smoking meat, writing articles and publishing Tops + More, or writing in this blog to keep me from going nuts. I am a doer, practical and whenever needed to build I am that person. Stubborn too and many can attest to that, but if I am ever grateful, it is the very fact, that my office, my work is anywhere, hence the freedom to pick a spot on an island paradise. Go figure, you are what you make of it!


Unconditional....

The word itself means a lot if used to share emotion. I write this for what I believe is what I am getting (unconditional) love from my wife. You see, I feel I have failed in many attempts to find success. Reality is I put forward material over emotion over the years. My failure is not that I don't love enough, but the lack of my support over the years making me feel this way. I have lost financial footing, broke sweat and tears only to see my returns were slower than the cost of doing business. In the process, I forgot who stood by me most when I crashed. It was my wife who was always there.

It is unconditional love when she says, "we will sacrifice for you to go back to school and get your degree." Her words exactly and now I am afraid, not afraid to face the classroom, but afraid to fail as its been over 20 years since setting foot in a classroom and being taught by an instructor.

Deep breaths, feeling woozy at times, but I know she meant well with her support for me. She wants me to succeed and said, "at least then, I will not be passed over because of lack of intelligence and a document supporting that intelligence." She is right!

It is unconditional love to know that she will carry the family when I don't make ends meet to fulfill my education. She holds a masters and is pursuing her doctorate. I am just starting off for my BA this August 11, 2014, and 4 years from now with about 160 plus credits, I hope to walk the aisle with my head up high and looking for that beauty that has unconditional love, courage and patience to put me back in school.

Boni, I love you unconditionally!

Tuesday, February 18, 2014

Has it been that long?

Where do I start? Where did I leave off my last post?  Well I guess we can begin where I feel I jumped off the blogspot bandwagon. 

I guess to take the many months past, the significant change is a sour one to add. Sour in that one of businesses suffered and hemorrhaged while the other (smaller income) is stuttering to keep both businesses afloat. 

I put in anywhere from 10-18 hour days now and I find myself exhausted and aging faster than I can count my days, hours, minutes!

Times are changing.  In my own sentiment I wish time stood still.  And if it did where would I have stopped it-to relive it. That'll be another post someday.

Going back anf redirecting my brain to why I started writing this post. Its hard to be self employed.  Any issues with the businesses it is my responsibility to find a solution.  But truly it's tiring me out.

What does the future hold for the many islanders?  Are we plagued with a disease that haunts us, the economy?  While tourism is up it's rather unfortunate that businesses who reap the benefits are monopolized.

Dang I'm jumping in a variety of thought.  I am exhausted and will come back to writing this post to its entirety.

Monday, September 23, 2013

A few words spoken

He does not say much, but I know deep down inside his heart is full of love.
Weeks is what I had with him. Time is limited yet valuable to the situation.  He leaves for the Navy and I will surely miss him, my son Donovan.
I know you will fair well. You are strong, smart and fit. Your future holds no boundaries.  And the sky is the limit.  While out there please remember me as I always will do the same.
Be the boy I know who smiles and laughs genuinely without reservation.  Be the boy I know who cares so much for others other than himself.  Now be the man who believes he can make a difference. 
You go Donovan.  We are already proud if you. You should be proud of yourself as well. Much love from us back home.

Wednesday, January 30, 2013

Family is everything

 I'd Sacrifice All that I am for my Family!


They make me laugh, they make me smile, they make me angry at times and sad as well, but that is life that everyone endures it, but shared most in our household is the love for each other. The kindness and opened hearts that are seen freely within the halls, the rooms and walls that hold our secrets.



My family has become the pinnacle of feelings and emotions that coarse through my veins. the very root of expressing what is felt each day.

My wife Boni has taught me so much in the last 5 years together. She inspires me to to better, be a better father to our children, step up to making best choices for our children and more importantly she has taught me to love without hesitation, to love with conviction, to love with genuine honesty.

Boni is the stronghold of our family. no matter how I may look at situations, its her guidance with the soft heart that makes any day a better day.

She is loved and cherished by our children and of course my love for her is more than I have ever imagined. She is perfect in my eyes and that is why I married this woman to share my remaining years on earth.

Monday, January 14, 2013

Tops +More 6th issue

CNMI has many things to be thankful for. The people that make a difference, the season of giving is upon us and all the while, we are in spirit of good.

Tops + More brings you our 6th issue making yet another seasonal publication hit the CNMI. from foods to stories that make our CNMI whole, we at Bison Relations express our heartfelt appreciation to our clientele as well to our advertisers who keep this publication moving forward.

We bid you all good reading!

Tops + More 6th Issue

Tuesday, November 27, 2012

FORGIVENESS

Marriage Encounter truly is a blessing in disguise!

Learning about anger and forgiveness has opened my heart and mind to the variations of feelings that I would not have known if not for Marriage Encounter's Steeper STEPS program. The best thing about it is its free and you only need to commit to the days and time required to complete it.

I can tell you it taught me more that I can imagine.  The bible parables, movies to watch and books to read truly had an impact on how I view people and their actions towards me and with themselves.

Sometimes you feel sad when going through these phases of life, but how can you not forgive? How can you not say "I forgive you?" without truly closing the hatch and leaving it behind. Hmm, that is for you too find out, but for now, I am still going through the Steeper STEPS and loving it!

Our CNMI Worldwide Marriage Encounter offers more than just a weekend, it allows you to explore your marriage deeper than just saying I DO! It isn't built to fix broken marriages, but enhance what is beautiful and good to making even greater. I am all for M.E. and you should too!

I Forgive You!

Last Saturday, in the wee morning hours, my truck that was out for sale was broken into.  Shattered glass everywhere, scattered paper and emptied compartments looked as if a tornado formed inside the truck and devastated the look and feel of what I had built for comfort.

These thieves who took off with not only my pride and other valuables, but also took my security in that our island home offered many years ago. The security in which our safety was not even an issue, you left things unlocked and with trust beholding upon every man, woman and child in the Commonwealth, we were safe.

What is it with these thieves, I only can ask god that he have pity on their souls come salvation. What you took and what you damaged is only but material and I forgive you. May you see better times in your life and find the goodness in your heart to look beyond yourself and give penance for your sins.

I leave this ordeal with a clear heart and surprisingly, from what I have learned, I feel good about myself.  Thank you lord to ensuring your teachings are made available for your common man.


About Me

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Just a simple man who loves and cares for his family. Personal views with life in general, business and challenges in the Commonwealth of the Northern Mariana Islands. Sharing what we have through publications BISON Relations push out for everyone to keep abreast of what's happening in our beloved island home, Saipan.